Sonntag, 9. Juni 2013

you are not alone

"You are not alone for I am here with you
Though you're far away I am here to stay
But you are not alone for I am here with you
And though we're far apart you're always in my heart"

a stanza of (late) Michael Jackson's song "You Are Not Alone". yes, you're not alone, my dear. you are never alone. look around you. maybe you'll think like, "nope. yes, they are all around, but they are not available for me." nah. here, let me tell you: "the closer you look, the less you'll see". do you know this tagline? it's the tagline of 'Now You See Me', a recent PG-13 film.

people mostly think about ending their life once they feel alone, hatred, apathetic, depressed, or just feel in pain. what's suicide? suicide (Latin: suicidium, from sui caedere, "to kill oneself") is the act of intentionally causing one's own death. suicide is often committed out of despair, the cause of which is frequently attributed to a mental disorder such as depression, bipolar disorder, schizophrenia, alcoholism, or drug abuse. stress factors such as financial difficulties or troubles with interpersonal relationships often play a role. efforts to prevent suicide include limiting access to firearms, treating mental illness and drug misuse, and improving economic development.


I'm not an expert at this one. hehehe. I just wanna share something about this suicidal thingy. I had an experience. it occurred when I was still..... a kid. I'm still a kid, though, I think. hahaha. it's relative on how we describe 'kid'. back to the topic; I should admit, it was the darkest chapter of my life. well, yea, but I think it's because I was still a teenager, who was easily affected by surroundings, especially the peers.  thank God, now I am much more closer to God; though I'm not a religious person.


things happened. I was lost. not really literally lost, but I had less guidance. it's normal for he teenagers to seek for their identities. I was so unstable. I sought things on internet without any parental guidance. I found stuffs that altered my way of thinking, my point of view of life, my faith, my everything. well, it's actually more like: I don't know things, so I use everything to know more. it doesn't mean that I lost one's way; no. but what could we say? teenagers.


I don't know why I didn't do things just like my friends did. maybe I shouldn't mention what things they did. hehehe. sorry. at the end, despite everything I had done, I didn't do a thing that could harm myself. it was a miracle, I guess. maybe God lend a hand of His to take me back to the right path. I don't know what my surroundings did to me. around a year later, I'm free.


I had always considered to suicide. I felt alone, depressed, and hated. I just wanted to die. no bullshit. my death won't affect anyone. I hated my life, my self, my family, my friends, my acquaintances; everything. it all seemed so wrong. everything was wrong. there's no point I kept alive in this world. I felt that I was useless. 


for me, happiness is a state of mind one that can be reached by energy, patience is a state of trust one that can be reached by experience, manifestation is a state of confidence one that can be reached by faith, depression is a state of warning one that is reached by self, suicide is a state of punishment one that is reached by giving up before things could look up. do you give up easily? I'm sure you don't. you're still here, reading this post :D


recalling that moment, I feel stupid. hahaha. it's really an unstable teenager who didn't have any strong faith. now I'm on my age, if I heard something about those teenagers feeling suicidal, I'm like: "ah teenagers". hahaha. pardon me.


what are suicidal feelings like? suicidal feelings can be terrifying. if you can no longer see why you should go on living, your distress will seem unbearable. you may hate yourself and believe that you are useless and unneeded. you may feel rage, shame and guilt. repeated painful experiences, particularly losses, can lead you to blame yourself and feel that you haven't lived up to your own standards. faced with an unbearable situation, unsolvable difficulties, overpowering feelings of guilt, failures or conflicts, you may start to think that death is your only option.


sometimes everything gets on top of me. I get tired of fighting and wish I wasn't here anymore. you may feel suicidal for no apparent reason. you may think that you have no reason to want to kill yourself. this can trigger feelings of deep guilt and shame and you may find it difficult to tell others what you are going through.


people kept telling me that I should be grateful because I am alive and it's the greatest God's grace that I've ever had. but then. this just made me feel more terrible and guilty for thinking about killing myself. whether you are aware of a cause or not, it can be difficult to relate to others at this time, so you are likely to feel withdrawn or irritable. even if you have family and friends around, you may find it impossible to tell them how bad you feel. if you have been badly hurt by someone close to you, you may be thinking of suicide as a way of getting back at them. it is understandable to be angry with people who have hurt us, but suicide turns that anger in on ourselves.


you may be very clear that you want to die; you may simply not care if you live or die; you may be thinking of death as a release. if you feel powerless to influence circumstances that are distressing you, the idea of suicide may give you a sense of being in control again. depending on your beliefs, you could be looking forward to ‘nothingness’ or to being reunited with loved ones or to reincarnation.


if you feel low and suicidal for no apparent reason, this can also make you feel powerless: if you can’t find a cause for your difficult feelings, you may find it hard to believe that there might be a solution. you may be harming yourself by cutting, biting or burning your body. perhaps you are getting into fights or taking extreme risks. you may also be overdosing on drugs, bringing on alcohol or have developed anorexia or bulimia. however, even when you are not sure why you are self-harming, it is usually a means of trying to stay alive; trying to kill the pain you are feeling inside rather than a wish to actually kill yourself. for most people, suicidal thoughts are confusing. as much as you want to die, you may also want a solution to your difficulties in life and you may want others to understand how you feel and to help. such mixed feelings and being unsure what to do can cause great anxiety. this is why suicidal thoughts can be frightening and confusing. don't give up on your problems. don't lose.


can I get help? if you are thinking about suicide then you may believe that you are beyond help. you may be so deeply hurt or afraid that you feel out of reach. if you are filled with rage it can seem difficult to allow another person to make a difference. you may be refusing help as a way of punishing a person who has hurt you. if your anger has turned inwards and you feel self- hatred or guilt, you may believe that you don't deserve help.


these thoughts and feelings may have particular urgency if you have already attempted suicide or if there is a history of suicide in your family. it is important to look out for the warning signs in yourself and take them seriously. every time a suicidal thought appears, I sound a mental whistle in my head and imagine a stop sign. I will not let myself think about the suicidal thoughts; they are not going to control my life. a great many people think about suicide, but the majority do not go on to kill themselves. like them, you can help yourself and you can get help from other people.


you deserve help, no matter what. try some of the ideas in the next two sections for helping yourself, or letting someone else guide you through this crisis. once you are on the other side of it you will be in a better position to think more clearly and decide what to do. the simple step to stop your suicidal feeling is by thinking about others. realize that everyone faces different problems. they can bear and cope it. why can't you? :) whenever you find yourself doubting if you can go on, just remember how far you've come. remember everything you have faced, all the battles you have won and all the fears you have overcome. then raise your head high, and forge on ahead knowing that you got this! :) you are where you need to be. just breathe.

again, my friends, you are not alone. I'm here. and thank you for reading until this part. it means that you're still alive. make every second of your life the best one. time is ticking. don't waste your life. how to cope the suicidal feeling? again, from wikihow:
  • get a job you enjoy doing, getting a job that implements something you're interested in can be a big motivator to not kick the bucket prematurely
  • don't entertain these thoughts to make someone else feel guilty
  • realize that suicide is a permanent solution to a temporary problem
  • put away the implements if you have chosen a method for your demise
  • look for the things that are good in life
  • find someone to confide in
  • remember to eat regularly, and stick with healthy food
  • engage in some exercise, such as jogging or calisthenics
  • do not take any medication that hasn't been prescribed for you by a medical practitioner
  • look up a website that gives advice on coping with suicidal thoughts and contribute your own ideas
  • speak kindly to yourself with comforting words of validation and affirmation
  • if all the positive, happy, generous impulses and feelings are worn away, other dark emotions can help fight your despair
  • become curious about what the future might hold for you
remember that asking for help is a sign of strength, not a sign of weakness. it means that you value yourself enough to find a solution. no matter how hopeless you feel, you can feel better. feeling suicidal is not a character defect, and it doesn't mean that you are crazy, or weak, or flawed. when the razor, pills, knife, etc. seem to be whispering your name, know that I'm screaming at the top of my lungs because I love you and I don't want you to harm yourself ever. the comment section is always open for you guys. if you need someone to talk to, leave some there. it's okay to leave them anonymously.

I hope I help you. I don't know how big the impact from this post is. I hope it helps; though only a bit. have a wonderful life! :D

“He is able who thinks he is able.” - Buddha

-calzsf

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